It is not easy being a parent right now. This COVID-19 crisis has us adults packed into small spaces with our kids 24/7. It’s becoming very uncomfortable and we’re not getting paid to do it. Many of us are, for the first time, being faced with the entirety of our child’s daily needs: education, entertainment, discipline, exercise, quality time, nap time, meals (all 8 of them), potty time, snacks, more snacks (BUT YOU JUST ATE 5 MIN AGO!!!), discovery, creativity, clean up, etc. Welcome to insanity.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for a while now, long before the government required it. In light of this new normal, I could say to all the new stay-at-home parents, “Ha! Amateurs! Welcome to my world!” I could pretend that I’m better than everyone else, like I have it all figured out, but who does that help? And also, it’s not true. Not even close. I am pushed to the limits of my sanity almost every day. Almost every single day I struggle to keep my cool in the face of children who want to do what they want to do regardless of who it hurts or what future they sacrifice. They invade my space constantly. They demand attention right when I am in the middle of something. And a private conversation with my husband? Yeah, right!?
Are there tactics and tricks to surviving life with kids 24/7? Yes. Can it be done? Yes. But at the end of the day, it’s hard and it can be so draining. If you look in the mirror, it might even seem like you aged 5 years since quarantine began.
To all the new stay-at-home parents out there, I want you to know that I hear you. You are not crazy and you are NOT a horrible person for not knowing how to handle this new normal. You are not “less than” because you are overwhelmed by or ill-equipped for the responsibility of home-schooling your children…something some of you swore you’d never do. And also, you are not hallucinating. Those precious and innocent children you once knew DO have the capacity to be that cruel, to you and others. In terms of behavior, they are no different than anyone else’s children, either. Kids will be kids and no one has a perfect set of them.
Honestly, I sometimes believe that if I could just resolve my issues and put my own dysfunction to rest, then my children would be perfect, obedient and would lack any form of dysfunction in themselves. If I could just get it right, my children would shine like stars. Unfortunately, that is entirely false. A healthy me, while a valuable pursuit, still cannot solve all my children’s issues. Please don’t misunderstand. I am NOT carelessly giving up. There are right and wrong ways to handle parenting and I am relentlessly seeking to do this right. Sometimes, I even obsess far to much over how to parent well. However, there is a single truth that I cannot ignore: My children belong to themselves and their faults are their own. They are human beings and, regardless of how well I behave as their mom, they still have the power to choose between right and wrong. I cannot control them, I cannot choose for them, and I cannot save them. I cannot make them clean their room in less that 6 hours and I cannot force them to understand their math homework…
Truth is a powerful thing. Sometimes a situation can remain exactly the same, but when it is illuminated by truth, it looks entirely different and we find HOPE. In recovery, I have learned that the only person I can change is myself. Period. Trying to change someone else is futile and destructive (i.e. think of the damages of manipulative, fear-driven parenting). However, I can lead by example. I can inspire by first making a fearless and moral inventory of myself; courageously facing whatever flaws I find and working, all of me with all of God, to make a change. I can request change in others. I can show my children how to respond well to verbal abuse. I can enforce my boundaries and prioritize my own self-care, displaying good emotional health to my children and empowering them to choose good health for themselves. And, ultimately, I can lead them to the truth about Christ; teaching them as clearly and thoroughly as I can, and allowing them make their decision to follow or turn away. To obey or to rebel.
As frustrating as it is that I cannot make their decisions for them, I must focus on what I can do. By God’s grace, I can be consistent, loving and wise regardless of what my kids throw at me. When I mess up, I can acknowledge my mistake and apologize to my children. Even in my error, I can still lead well.
So, in summary, my encouragement is this…amidst the chaos and uncertainly of stay-at-home parenting, remember to control what you can control: You. It’s not going to be a perfect experience, but you can lead well. And as you lead well, there might be a trail of LEGOs and soggy cheerios behind you but march on! We are going to make it through this.
Image by Александра Туркина from Pixabay
The Voice of a Phoenix 